I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
