I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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