If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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