just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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