I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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