the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
