I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
