Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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