The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
