At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
