The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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