ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
