I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I love you.
Bad choice
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
