Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
