I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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