i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
