You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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