The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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