you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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