I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
