I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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