my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
