I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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