she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
