im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
