the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
God, I missed his penis.
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