I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
