Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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