Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
