me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
