so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
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When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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