Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
