I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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