grandma shit on top of the toilet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
