Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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