I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
