i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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