I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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