I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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