I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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