Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
