Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
