She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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