Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
