How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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