God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
