If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
