Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
