I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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