my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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