So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
