The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize