I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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