You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
